right now i feel a bit lightheaded. lighthearted, too.
i am pretty sure i come back as a different person. i feel like a different person already. so many hugs those last days. so much appreciation and gratitude.
this very experience of me as a ‘leaving person’ also forms me and if it’s just because every experience is changing who i am. taking that as a starting point, i guess i am prone to be someone else over there than i am around here. it starts with language games and ends with shakespeare. we are players, and we play our roles impeccably.
trouble starts when i am with one of my homies and find out there’s this image i have presented over all these years. grappling with it, letting it be, still the image hangs on in other people’s minds. or they keep hanging on to it. same same.
whatever i do, it’s interpreted along the lines of what i represent. and this is different for whomever i meet. as it is seemingly impossible to meet someone you know as if you have never met him before – fresh every single time – i guess i have to cope with misunderstandings, with being not seen, not heard, not recognised the way i’d like to be.
well, i suppose that in the end it doesn’t matter if i am seen the way i’d like to be seen. what really counts is if i can allow and feel the pain of being misjudged, misinterpreted, misunderstood by the ones i love. what counts is if i am able to stand the pain of having my sense of self questioned. and maybe it’s perfect that way.
there we go.
the cure for the pain is right there, in the pain.