“Now is a time for ‘travelling light’, a time to sort through the baggage we have collected over the ages, to discard the obsolete and unnecessary while retaining the essence of our experiences – things that are valuable and useful in any situation.”
What is the baggage? Upādāna is. A mixture of craving, grasping, clinging. The prisons I build. The prisons I like to lock my self up in. The prisons called superstition, rituals, teachers, churches, temples, all that holy crap; also identity view, senses, objects, words, possessions, instincts, boasting, selfing… it is all based on upādāna. Let me examine closely the walls and fences I keep putting myself in. They are invisible. And they rule my life.
So it is about letting go, right? But I can’t let go. Won’t let go. I want to enjoy life. And I get angry when I don’t get what I want. Like a child. But unlike a child I keep beating myself up about it. Cause there’s a new game in town. Game called FREEDOM. Welcome to the next level of ego tricks. Teachings say ‘watch the anger’, ‘be patient’, ‘observe the edginess’, ‘never give up’. Teachings teach ‘let go’ – but how? It takes a deep look to learn how to let go, and let go, and let go.
What has become obsolete and unnecessary in my life? Acting out anger and ending up in frustration and rationalisation. ‘Fuck that shit!’ ‘Oops, I did it again!’ ‘But others do it, too.’ People and demons actually encourage me. They call me spontaneous, authentic, real, sexy! So I got the choice: Be a drunken fool but a cool guy in their eyes? Or just be cool without anyone realising? Or be cool with not being cool? Nibbāna – coolness – is here. But how live it when I am always burning for something there?
What is the essence of my experience? Transformation. I try to the best of my ability to be patient. When I am impatient and react I do my best to forgive myself. I try to do my best to let go of that perfectionist mode. It dont worq no mor. It neva did. Whenever I notice I beat myself up about something I have done I will do my best to remind myself: ‘Gimme a break!’ So the aim is to transform poison into medicine, meaning: not to let discontent harden me but rather soften me and open my heart.
What is valuable and useful in any situation? Courage to look into dissatisfaction. And: Kindness when it gets too much. Patience with my inability to make progress. And: Being a friend to myself when I react on impatience. Compassion as I see others struggling just the same. And: Understanding when I am simply unable to be compassionate. Appreciation that I have the choice to accept me as I am. And: Forgiveness when anger has overwhelmed me. I am here to make mistakes. It’s what makes me human. The chance to screw it again and again and again. And: To learn learn learn from my misstakes no matter how long it takes.
It’s all in the game, Mike.
“I remember the day I really got it that we’re not connected as human beings because of our perfection,but because of our flaws. That was such a relief.”